Why?

Tonight I have no pictures.  It's just me and the computer. This is a space for me to document my kids life and where family that lives out of town can keep up with our happenings. It's also a space for me to vent and sometimes I just need to do that. 

Ava went to her 6 month check up on Tuesday. After voicing my concern about Ava's choking episodes to our pediatrician she referred us to a speech pathologist. I had no idea speech paths delt with feeding, gagging and reflux issues. I would have never in a million years have guessed that. Any way that's where we went today, for her eval.  I'm very used to evals and have sat through many with aiden so I kind of had an idea how this was going to go. I explained her situation and why we were there (which I'll have to do a thousand more times when she is referred to someone else or another agency). They watched her eat and swallow and as she was eating  she had a choking episode. Now I'm never happy that these happen but I was glad it happened there so she could see what I was talking about. She immediately said she needed to be refered to kosiars to have a swallow study done ASAP and would get a hold of our pediatrician to get those orders in. She said she didn't want to scare me (ok everything scares me these days) but she thinks she may have silent aspiration and if it goes untreated could get into her lungs and cause all sorts of other problems. Not really what I wanted to hear but glad we were going to hopefully get some answers. So next week we will be making our way to kosiars to have this study done. 

She also thinks it would be a good idea to go on and get her referred to first steps for additional therapy. She will need therapy for help with feeding and also a PT eval for possible low tone (like Aiden has) in her legs. She still isn't putting weight down and this has her concerned since aiden has the same issues. So first steps here we come again!! 

I feel like my (and my kids) life revolves around therapy. I have pretty much cried all night. I'm scared. I'm scared as to what is to come. Will we get answers? Will she need surgery or can it be controlled with therapy? Are we going to go down the same path we have with Aiden?

Then I cry because I wonder why me? Why my kids? Did I do something wrong. Is God punishing me for something I did? I really don't know what God has in store for us but I'm hoping we find answers soon. Not only for Ava but for Aiden also. It's hard when your children are sick and they don't know what's wrong. But we will get through this like we have everything else. We will just take one day at a time and pray. I guess that's all we can do right now. So tonight please say a little prayer for Ava and Aiden. 

Goodnight.